The Agreements That Disqualify You

The Problem

One bad night can become a lifelong rule.

Picture running for a role, giving the speech, and losing badly. Afterward, no one quite meets your eye. A conclusion forms: “I am not good at this.” It feels like a fact, and you start living by it. You avoid the stage, turn down chances to present, and hide your nerves when you cannot avoid it.

Years later, it can turn out that the very thing you ruled yourself out of is one of your real strengths. The agreement was never true. It only felt true because you never tested it.

What an Agreement Is

A belief you keep out of loyalty.

An agreement is something you have said to yourself often enough that you treat it as truth. Most are harmless. The ones that matter limit your confidence or ambition: “I am not a numbers person.” “I am not strategic.” “I am not a natural leader.”

These say more about the strength of your own negative judgment than about your ability. The people watching you that day were also bringing their own ideas about what success looks like. Their reaction was never a clean verdict on you.

The idea of personal agreements comes from Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements, which begins with being impeccable with your word, including the words you use about yourself.

Why It Matters

Your words show up in how you lead.

The words you use about yourself show up in your language, your energy, and your conviction. People follow a leader’s belief in a direction, and that belief starts with what the leader believes about themselves.

Test It

Six steps to loosen an old agreement.

01

Notice the moment. When you are about to take a risk, listen to what you say to yourself.

02

Write it down. Capture the agreement in your exact words.

03

Find where it started. It usually traces to one specific moment, not a long pattern.

04

Check it against today. With everything you know now, is it still true?

05

Test it small. Choose one low-stakes situation that challenges it, and try.

06

Replace it. Write the truer version, and start using it.

Try It

Three agreements, ten minutes.

Write down your answers.

Words: What three things do you say about yourself most often when facing a risk?
Origin: For each one, what moment did it start?
Evidence: What has happened since that suggests it is not true?
Possibility: What would you attempt this quarter if it were not true?